I’ve discovered a new tool to help build stronger relationships.
In the book The Trusted Advisor, there’s a concept called the trust equation.
I want to focus on one element: Intimacy.
That word might sound a bit emotional—maybe even uncomfortable—in a personal relationship, let alone in a business setting.
Or maybe that’s just the repressed emotions of an Irishman talking. (Irish and English people do love to bottle up their emotions!)
In the book, intimacy is about creating a safe space where stakeholders feel comfortable sharing their real concerns, uncertainties, and even vulnerabilities. But I often hear that some stakeholders don’t want to open up.
How to Open the Door
My son recently got a new teaching assistant in his class. She’s a young university student—I’ll call her Jenna.
He attends a special school where parents pick up their children from the gym. The teacher and assistant are always there to hand over bags and give quick updates. (We’re very lucky—there are only six kids in a class, so the staff really get to know the parents.)
At first, Jenna seemed a bit standoffish when we talked. I figured it was just her personality—some of the other assistants were more bubbly, and that’s okay.
Then last week, my wife and I attended a classroom meeting, and Jenna walked us through the school.
As she walked ahead of us, I noticed a small tattoo of a bus on her arm.
“Jenna, do you like buses?”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You have a bus tattoo on your arm.”
She laughed. “It’s a Kombi van! It’s my dad’s and my favorite car.”
Her face lit up as she talked about it. Turns out, she’s saving up for one.
I jokingly asked if her dad had a matching tattoo.
“No, but I’m working on it!” she said with a grin.
A Door Wide Open
The next day, Jenna was at pickup again.
This time, she greeted me with a beaming smile.
What a difference.
All because of a few questions about her tattoo.
But the impact went deeper than that.
That moment brought me back to the trusted advisor equation.
I don’t know the big goals of the other staff members.
I don’t know much about the other teachers’ families.
But now, I know something personal—something intimate—about Jenna.
Focus on Rapport
Even though I constantly try to build rapport with people, I was still surprised by how much she warmed up after that conversation.
Often, the easiest way to build rapport is by discussing common interests. In most conversations with school staff, we talk about my son.
But in this case, our connection deepened not through commonality, but through her goals.
It shouldn’t be surprising. People enjoy talking about themselves more than their work. It’s their job, after all!
We all know that personal conversations build relationships faster. But what surprised me was how quickly the rapport deepened when she shared her Kombi van dream.
So, how can we use this insight to build better relationships?
The Deeper Question
In my workshops, I teach the Deeper Question tactic.
Monday morning rolls around, and we all go through the usual:
“How was your weekend?”
“I went golfing.”
A typical follow-up would be: “Did you win?”
They answer yes or no, and the conversation ends.
Instead, try this: “What do you love about golf?”
That one question signals that you’re inviting them to geek out about their passion.
They get to share their joy. You don’t have to talk much. They have a great time—and they associate you with that great time.
There are plenty of opportunities to ask deeper questions, but fewer chances to learn about someone’s dreams or whether their dad has a matching tattoo.
Time to Test It
But maybe goals, family, and memories are the real keys to deeper relationships.
I think the trick is timing—waiting for the right moment when someone mentions a dream or goal.
For example, over the weekend, I casually said to someone, “I have my dream car.”
They asked, “What is it?”
I replied, “A Volkswagen R36—an iconic fast version of the Passat.”
And that was it. The conversation moved on.
But that moment would have been a perfect chance for a deeper question about my goals:
“What’s the story behind your dream car?” or “What else is on your vision board?”
This idea is still a work in progress.
I’ll test it and report back!
In the meantime, keep this approach in your back pocket to help you build stronger relationships with stakeholders.
Although… maybe don’t tell them you’re trying to be more intimate.
— Alan “Kombi Van” Cameron-Sweeney
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